Thursday, 31 March 2011

All that glitters isn't always gold

A family friend asked if our number could be passed on to someone looking for a wife for their son.  After making the (initial) basic enquiries, namely age, job description, religiousness and the like, mum gave the go ahead for the guys mum to get in touch with her.

Upon speaking to the potential mother in law, our assumption was – that they appeared to be a really, really decent family.  In addition to this, the current daughter in law of the family is someone known to be treated really well by her in laws*  (*the family in communication with mine).   Naturally, we were all chuffed.  Things were looking good. Good family, good guy.  But all that glitters, isn’t always gold.   

When the family came over, they didn’t bring their son. This wasn’t really a big deal.  Usually, family comes over, if they like the girl’s appearance, character etc, go home, talk to their son, and then bring the son over next time, if they feel like taking things further.  And then it’s left in the hands of the guy and girl.  This process of not always bringing the guy the first time, makes the whole thing a little bit more prolonged, but it just saves me from being “exhibited” in front of a host of random guys.

Without sounding too much like a feminist, I find it really demeaning that girls have to be “paraded” in front of guys coming round for the first time, and then they “assess” her, usually solely on her looks.   I have cousins and friends, both younger and older going through the marriage process, and I remember 2 of them, both gorgeous girls having tanned complexions – were turned off based entirely on their complexion colour. 
Ya Allah, when did we Muslims become so shallow? This isn’t to contradict the hadith, where the Prophet SAW encouraged men to view their potentials, but I can’t help but feel guys are taking a little too much advantage and viewing potentials like they would a pix’n’mix sweet counter.

Anyway, back to the original post. Next time, family come over and this time the guy comes along.  Something didn’t seem right. Was it the way he was awkwardly walking in his religious attire?  Was it the slang that he was using?  Maybe he was just nervous.  Or maybe the guy was the black sheep of the family.  Nevertheless, after they left we were all a bit shell shocked to say the least.  Naturally, a few phone calls were made. And it turns out that the guy doesn’t have a very good reputation. 

We were upset.  Of course, the family cannot be liable for their son’s ways. But is it right that they are looking for a mentor, in the form of a wife, to help discipline their son, or try to bring him back to the “right path”? If you’re looking for a wife for this purpose, you risk ruining not just her life, but the lives of those around her (her family, any future kids etc). If he needs help, then seek help for him by using other avenues. 

A friend was telling me that there’s a lady looking for her son who is working away from home.   While she is searching for a bride for her son, her son has his sights on someone else.  And the sad thing is, his mother is well aware of the situation with her son.  Yet she’s still looking.

There have been a few such incidents like this, and I’m sure there are many more.  But all we can do is ask Allah to save us from such people. Ameen.


  1. wow, the sad thing is, I've heard this story, stories like it and have also encountered similar situations myself. It's inappropriate to say the least.

    As for the parading thing. Alhamdulilah it isn't something that I have encountered myself. I come form a very american family and I don't have to deal with that whole thing. I prefer swapping pictures either via email or thru facebook and sending a couple emails before I even consider tolerating being gawked at like I'm a porche in a show room.

  2. Through the whole (marriage) process you get to encounter a whole melting pot of various people.

    Re the parading thing - it really is a sad state of affairs. But it happens a lot and is quite common place.

  3. I do not see a way to contact you otherwise. I have a Muslim Matrimonials website called, "Habibi Matrimonials." We are doing a Parent Link newsletter to join all parents seeking spouses for their adult children. Would you be interested in doing an ad for your blog and in exchange place my "button" on your site to have any single Muslims join? It is a small button that does not show faces of men or women.

    Please e-mail me:

    Please delete this post as it is only meant to reach you.
    Jazak Allah Khair
    Habibi Matrimonials